Questions and Answers
Email from R.B.
R.B. stated she was possibly the target of bullying in the workplace.
She was, and here is what she had to say.
Pat, thank you for the article, and the response. I printed off your last email and and marked off the items I thought applied and was surprised at what seemed to fit. It really shed a great deal of light and I felt better just getting some closure on the situation! I had been wondering what "My" problem was, now I see it really lies within her to a large degree! I am looking for another position outside of the office, (as advised in the article, I was headed that direction already), we have lost numerous personnel for the same reasons I am leaving... which is really to bad...glad I was there when you came to speak to the kids, thanks again!
R.B
Good morning! My question is "how do you see it as far as adults bullying adults"? I am in a work situation, and after your presentation began to identify some behaviours my immediate supervisor (who is female) exibits as bullying. I wanted get your "take" on what might be considered as adult bullying behaviours to see if I was just being overly sensitive, or if I had really recognized them for what they were. If you could give me some examples, that would be great, and how to deal with "adult bully behaviour". I went on your web site and I appreciated how the child felt by being bullied, there were some definate parallels! Thank you so much for your efforts in bringing this very real issue to the forefront!
R.B.
R.B. stated she was possibly the target of bullying in the workplace.
She was, and here is what she had to say.
Pat, thank you for the article, and the response. I printed off your last email and and marked off the items I thought applied and was surprised at what seemed to fit. It really shed a great deal of light and I felt better just getting some closure on the situation! I had been wondering what "My" problem was, now I see it really lies within her to a large degree! I am looking for another position outside of the office, (as advised in the article, I was headed that direction already), we have lost numerous personnel for the same reasons I am leaving... which is really to bad...glad I was there when you came to speak to the kids, thanks again!
R.B
What if my child is the bully, or I found out that they harassed someone?
If this is the case then, find a Mental Health professional to assist them and find out where their agression is coming from. Agressions can come from many instances like:
Not wanting to dissapoint you, and when they do they get upset.
Failing grades, when they know they can do the work.
School bullying done to them.
Being harassed.
Overly sensitive to certain things.
Sibling rivalries.
Friendship issues.
I remember first learning about psychology, and pavlov first introduced meat to a dog who then salivated. The second time he rang a bell and introduced meat, the dog salivated. The next time he rang a bell and the dog salivated whether or not the meat was there.
It is a learned response.
If a child is picked on, then they themselves can pick up the behavior.
However, if the environment is always good and their were not bullies, then all the childrens attitudes would be shaped differently.
What if my child is a victim?
First, you need to find out how your child is feeling, and how bad their self esteem has been battered. Second, utilize your cities resources for counseling is a great idea. Sometimes, depending on how bad they feel, depends on how willing they are to talking. Don't give up on your child they feel like this is their fault, and will feel like no one cares if you don't ask.
What if my child has any of the signs listed on this website?
What matters here is that they are looked after, and remember that these signs can vary and last different lengths of time. If you are concerned you should at least give them a chance to talk, and if they won't talk, make an appointment for them at the nearest hospital or Mental Health Center.
Am I the only parent that is going through this with my child?
No, in fact there are lots of people who are going through some mental illness, or some of the things that we talk about on this site. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. This is a strength for you in doing so.
What do I do if a bully harasses us around the home.
Contact your local police department, and file charges. If they wont listen, give us a call.
What do I do if my son has injuries coming home from school but, wont talk about it?
My advice to you is to ask first, and be persistent about talking about it. Remember, children see this as an insult if you disregard it. Also, make the school aware of what you have seen, and inform them you wish for the child to talk to the guidance counselor there. They are trained to get to the bottom of what is going on. If they don't, start documenting what is happening, and you will reap the benefit of it later.
What do I do if my child is continually picked on in school?
One option is to change schools, or bring it up to the school they attend. Remember, that the school only gets immunity if they deal with the situation. If they don't seek legal help. You may have to google for school violence attorneys to find one. Likely you won't get an attorney locally, as they have kids in the system and are adimant about not wanting to help. You only have 2 years in which to remedy a case from when it happened.
What do I do if I am being harrassed at work?
Keep a journal log of what is going on at home, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING, and after one month confront the supervisor about it, and explain that you should not be treated in that way, and collaborate with that person. If it doesn't get any better seek legal help, and file a complaint with your local civil rights office.
You can also start thinking about changing jobs.
What if my child has PTSD?
First, if the child has PTSD, I feel so sorry for your family, because it will take a toll on everyone. The easiest way to see if you child has PTSD is by watching their behavior and attitude. Children who develop acute PTSD will isolate, and in doing so are not very social. They tend to have minimal friends due to the way they view them, and find them irritating to be around. You might find that they try to avoid church, or the school setting. Children show you everyday by their behavior as to what is happening with them, it is not often found, because no one pays attention. If you think that your child has developed PTSD, then you need to find a certified psychologist that goes beyond cognitive counseling. Those psychologists will know how to use and implement a process called EMDR.
What if my child is attached to me at the "hip" and finds it difficult to be away from me?
Good question, we often see this as an anxiety the child has being away from the parent. It is but, what do you do about it? First of all, the child gains something by being near you more, which is like a reward for them in some way. If they are near you, did you hug them? Do you smother them with kindness, and candies. A child learns behaviors by being rewarded for them. Secondly, the child may have developed a fear that you in some way will leave them, and may fear being lost if not in your presence. It's not surprising that the world can seem very big to some youth and that can be scary to them.
Can it be the only reason why? No, it can be other things like how well they do with their peers, and not being accepted. This can create a situation where they cling to those they trust, are loved and accepted. However, you should talk to them, and see how things are going.
Is it unnatural to have a good bond with your child? No, this is a good thing if it isn't caused by something bad. Having a strong bond with a child is great but, as they get older they will tend to distance a bit, especially as they gain friends.
Is it me or are these school full of red tape?
Absolutely, the schools in this nation are adimant that they don't have to own up to anything, regardless of the reports they have taken. Some schools still create child abuse with CP, which in fact was the result of a school shooting that happened. If your administration won't do anything, file a complaint with the US DOE, and get an advocate in your state. Schools have been known to be full of their views on this, but kids are still dieing out there, and the schools need to change, and combat these hierarchies that currently exist. Violence has no place in the schools any longer.
Is bullying "peer abuse"?
Absolutely, it is abuse in all of its form, mental, physical, and psychologically abusive. You won't see the DHHS actually get involved though, as they many times have enough just trying to handle what is coming out of the homes. Barack obama himself has not tackled this important issue, and may be years of senseless deaths until he finally sees the impact of this abuse on our children in school environments. We need to be proactive at all levels in dealing with this, and make schools hold to the laws that are passed. Remember you are the parent, and they certainly are held accountable to the public.
Can a child be helped with severe bullying, and what age does the damage set in?
A young child will bounce back fast, but will remember it. They tend to get back into the mainstream, but will still have a trust issue for a while. Older students who are harrassed are then wired a certain way, due in large part to the lapsing growth of cells in the brain. In its entirety, the child after 13 years of age will have developed anxiety. This anxiety may stay with them their entire lives, and there is no cure to the skillset of wiring that their brain has interpreted. The damage that is done is often not reversable, but is maintainable to some degree within the person. It becomes a burdensome process to them, and while they can rid the images, and thoughts that once plagued them in their younger years; they cannot seem to shake the other symptoms associated with the traumatic experiences. They find their world bothersome, and are more grumpy than most. They learn to critique everything around them, and trust, emotions, and the ups and downs are their to stay with them. A constant reminder of what they went through, and how careful they must be around people later on. Past the age of 13 and your child will have damage to their mental processes that cannot be fixed, but can be maintained through some therapy. Isolation will be a key factor for them to overcome, and some battles may be seen in trying to overcomes that isolative stance. However, not all will wage that battle, and most will give in to the safety that they percieve comes from it. These habits that are formed from enduring abuse will make a deep mark, ones not easily overcome. The sooner you detect it, the better off your child will be. Once you detect that your child is being abused in a school, there will be some natural resistance from the child about talking to the school. It often will make it worse for them, and that is their main concern in that process. Also, once you see the signs of depression, you must keep a close eye on them, as their have been more and more children taking their lives over these types of issues. Their self esteem is weak, and they are vulnerable to illogical thinking.
If this is the case then, find a Mental Health professional to assist them and find out where their agression is coming from. Agressions can come from many instances like:
Not wanting to dissapoint you, and when they do they get upset.
Failing grades, when they know they can do the work.
School bullying done to them.
Being harassed.
Overly sensitive to certain things.
Sibling rivalries.
Friendship issues.
I remember first learning about psychology, and pavlov first introduced meat to a dog who then salivated. The second time he rang a bell and introduced meat, the dog salivated. The next time he rang a bell and the dog salivated whether or not the meat was there.
It is a learned response.
If a child is picked on, then they themselves can pick up the behavior.
However, if the environment is always good and their were not bullies, then all the childrens attitudes would be shaped differently.
What if my child is a victim?
First, you need to find out how your child is feeling, and how bad their self esteem has been battered. Second, utilize your cities resources for counseling is a great idea. Sometimes, depending on how bad they feel, depends on how willing they are to talking. Don't give up on your child they feel like this is their fault, and will feel like no one cares if you don't ask.
What if my child has any of the signs listed on this website?
What matters here is that they are looked after, and remember that these signs can vary and last different lengths of time. If you are concerned you should at least give them a chance to talk, and if they won't talk, make an appointment for them at the nearest hospital or Mental Health Center.
Am I the only parent that is going through this with my child?
No, in fact there are lots of people who are going through some mental illness, or some of the things that we talk about on this site. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. This is a strength for you in doing so.
What do I do if a bully harasses us around the home.
Contact your local police department, and file charges. If they wont listen, give us a call.
What do I do if my son has injuries coming home from school but, wont talk about it?
My advice to you is to ask first, and be persistent about talking about it. Remember, children see this as an insult if you disregard it. Also, make the school aware of what you have seen, and inform them you wish for the child to talk to the guidance counselor there. They are trained to get to the bottom of what is going on. If they don't, start documenting what is happening, and you will reap the benefit of it later.
What do I do if my child is continually picked on in school?
One option is to change schools, or bring it up to the school they attend. Remember, that the school only gets immunity if they deal with the situation. If they don't seek legal help. You may have to google for school violence attorneys to find one. Likely you won't get an attorney locally, as they have kids in the system and are adimant about not wanting to help. You only have 2 years in which to remedy a case from when it happened.
What do I do if I am being harrassed at work?
Keep a journal log of what is going on at home, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING, and after one month confront the supervisor about it, and explain that you should not be treated in that way, and collaborate with that person. If it doesn't get any better seek legal help, and file a complaint with your local civil rights office.
You can also start thinking about changing jobs.
What if my child has PTSD?
First, if the child has PTSD, I feel so sorry for your family, because it will take a toll on everyone. The easiest way to see if you child has PTSD is by watching their behavior and attitude. Children who develop acute PTSD will isolate, and in doing so are not very social. They tend to have minimal friends due to the way they view them, and find them irritating to be around. You might find that they try to avoid church, or the school setting. Children show you everyday by their behavior as to what is happening with them, it is not often found, because no one pays attention. If you think that your child has developed PTSD, then you need to find a certified psychologist that goes beyond cognitive counseling. Those psychologists will know how to use and implement a process called EMDR.
What if my child is attached to me at the "hip" and finds it difficult to be away from me?
Good question, we often see this as an anxiety the child has being away from the parent. It is but, what do you do about it? First of all, the child gains something by being near you more, which is like a reward for them in some way. If they are near you, did you hug them? Do you smother them with kindness, and candies. A child learns behaviors by being rewarded for them. Secondly, the child may have developed a fear that you in some way will leave them, and may fear being lost if not in your presence. It's not surprising that the world can seem very big to some youth and that can be scary to them.
Can it be the only reason why? No, it can be other things like how well they do with their peers, and not being accepted. This can create a situation where they cling to those they trust, are loved and accepted. However, you should talk to them, and see how things are going.
Is it unnatural to have a good bond with your child? No, this is a good thing if it isn't caused by something bad. Having a strong bond with a child is great but, as they get older they will tend to distance a bit, especially as they gain friends.
Is it me or are these school full of red tape?
Absolutely, the schools in this nation are adimant that they don't have to own up to anything, regardless of the reports they have taken. Some schools still create child abuse with CP, which in fact was the result of a school shooting that happened. If your administration won't do anything, file a complaint with the US DOE, and get an advocate in your state. Schools have been known to be full of their views on this, but kids are still dieing out there, and the schools need to change, and combat these hierarchies that currently exist. Violence has no place in the schools any longer.
Is bullying "peer abuse"?
Absolutely, it is abuse in all of its form, mental, physical, and psychologically abusive. You won't see the DHHS actually get involved though, as they many times have enough just trying to handle what is coming out of the homes. Barack obama himself has not tackled this important issue, and may be years of senseless deaths until he finally sees the impact of this abuse on our children in school environments. We need to be proactive at all levels in dealing with this, and make schools hold to the laws that are passed. Remember you are the parent, and they certainly are held accountable to the public.
Can a child be helped with severe bullying, and what age does the damage set in?
A young child will bounce back fast, but will remember it. They tend to get back into the mainstream, but will still have a trust issue for a while. Older students who are harrassed are then wired a certain way, due in large part to the lapsing growth of cells in the brain. In its entirety, the child after 13 years of age will have developed anxiety. This anxiety may stay with them their entire lives, and there is no cure to the skillset of wiring that their brain has interpreted. The damage that is done is often not reversable, but is maintainable to some degree within the person. It becomes a burdensome process to them, and while they can rid the images, and thoughts that once plagued them in their younger years; they cannot seem to shake the other symptoms associated with the traumatic experiences. They find their world bothersome, and are more grumpy than most. They learn to critique everything around them, and trust, emotions, and the ups and downs are their to stay with them. A constant reminder of what they went through, and how careful they must be around people later on. Past the age of 13 and your child will have damage to their mental processes that cannot be fixed, but can be maintained through some therapy. Isolation will be a key factor for them to overcome, and some battles may be seen in trying to overcomes that isolative stance. However, not all will wage that battle, and most will give in to the safety that they percieve comes from it. These habits that are formed from enduring abuse will make a deep mark, ones not easily overcome. The sooner you detect it, the better off your child will be. Once you detect that your child is being abused in a school, there will be some natural resistance from the child about talking to the school. It often will make it worse for them, and that is their main concern in that process. Also, once you see the signs of depression, you must keep a close eye on them, as their have been more and more children taking their lives over these types of issues. Their self esteem is weak, and they are vulnerable to illogical thinking.