Email from R.B.

Good morning! My question is "how do you see it as far as adults bullying adults"? I am in a work situation, and after your presentation began to identify some behaviours my immediate supervisor (who is female) exibits as bullying. I wanted get your "take" on what might be considered as adult bullying behaviours to see if I was just being overly sensitive, or if I had really recognized them for what they were. If you could give me some examples, that would be great, and how to deal with "adult bully behaviour". I went on your web site and I appreciated how the child felt by being bullied, there were some definate parallels! Thank you so much for your efforts in bringing this very real issue to the forefront!

R.B.

R.B. stated she was possibly the target of bullying in the workplace.
She was, and here is what she had to say.


Pat, thank you for the article, and the response.  I printed off your last email and and marked off the items I thought applied and was surprised at what seemed to fit.  It really shed a great deal of light and I felt better just getting some closure on the situation!  I had been wondering what "My" problem was, now I see it really lies within her to a large degree!  I am looking for another position outside of the office, (as advised in the article, I was headed that direction already),  we have lost numerous personnel for the same reasons I am leaving... which is really to bad...glad I was there when you came to speak to the kids, thanks again!

R.B

What if my child is the bully, or I found out that they harassed someone?

If this is the case then, find a Mental Health professional to assist them and find out where their agression is coming from. Agressions can come from many instances like:
Not wanting to dissapoint you, and when they do they get upset.
Failing grades, when they know they can do the work.
School bullying done to them.
Being harassed.
Overly sensitive to certain things.
Sibling rivalries.
Friendship issues.

I remember first learning about psychology, and pablo first introduced meat to a dog who then salivated. The second time he rang a bell and introduced meat, the dog salivated. The next time he rang a bell and the dog salivated whether or not the meat was there.

It is a learned response.
If a child is picked on, then they themselves can pick up the behavior.
However, if the environment is always good and their were not bullies, then all the childrens attitudes would be shaped differently.

What if my child is a victim?

Again you need to find out how your child is feeling, and utilizing your cities resources for counseling is a great idea to do so. Sometimes, depending on how bad they feel, depends on how willing they are to talking. Don't give up.

What if my child has any of the signs listed on this website?

What matters here is that they are looked after, and remember that these signs can vary and last different lengths of time. If you are concerned you should at least give them a chance to talk, and if they won't make an appointment for them at the nearest hospital or Mental Health Center.

Am I the only parent that is going through this with my child?

No, in fact there are lots of people who are going through this, or some of the things that we talk about on this site. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. This is a strength for you in doing so.

What do I do if a bully harasses us around the home.

Contact your local police department, and file harassment charges. If they wont listen, give us a call.

What do I do if my son has injuries coming home from school but, wont talk about it?

My advice to you is to ask first, and be persistent about talking about it. Remember, children see this as an insult if you disregard it. Also, make the school aware of what you have seen, and inform them you wish for the child to talk to the guidance counselor there. They are trained to get to the bottom of what is going on.

What do I do if my child is continually picked on in school?

One option is to change schools, or bring it up to the school they attend. Remember, that the school only gets immunity if they deal with the situation. If they don't seek legal help. You only have 2 years in which to remedy a case from when it happened.

What do I do if I am being harrassed at work?

Keep a journal log of what is going on at home, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING, and after one month confront the supervisor about it, and explain that you should not be treated in that way, and collaborate with that person. If it doesn't get any better seek legal help, and file a complaint with your local civil rights office.
You can also start thinking about changing jobs.

What if my child has PTSD?

Work with them on a method called EMDR, tell them that when a visual reliving instance or memory wont leave them alone or intrudes a lot into their thoughts. That if in a safe place to do so, take their hands and pat their legs and let this tagged memory surface. Eventually this memory will fade and go into the long term memory. They never forget the memory, however, it will be better than being in a continuous loop of thought. Children often have these intrusions when they are quiet and trying to concentrate. It may not always be possible for them to use EMDR but, let them know it is ok to face this memory anyway. Sitting down with them and talking to them about the memories while both using this technique will further encourage the use of it. The frontal lobes in children develop at different times for each child, and is why sometimes homework is not understood at different levels. It will eventually develop the room for this learning later on, do not be to hard on them. Peoples memory works like that of a computer, and many times it takes in more information than it can handle and cycles some of it back out. Everything a child does from the noise around them, the scents they smell, what they see, and what they are doing is all going through short term memory. What happens is traumatic experiences don't cycle out to well, leaving very little room for new experiences to cycle in. This is why the brain has a hard time learning new materials, if old cycled memory still exists in the short term memory. These old memories have to be in essence cycled to the long term memory by keeping active both halves of the brain while facing them. Little traumas add up with bigger ones.

What if my child is attached to me at the "hip" and finds it difficult to be away from me?

Good question, we often see this as an anxiety the child has being away from the parent. It is but, what do you do about it? First of all, the child gains something by being near you more, which is like a reward for them in some way. If they are near you, did you hug them? Do you smother them with kindness, and candies. A child learns behaviors by being rewarded for them. Secondly, the child may have developed a fear that you in some way will leave them, and may fear being lost if not in your presence. It's not surprising that the world can seem very big to some youth and that can be scary to them.
Can it be the only reason why? No, it can be other things like how well they do with their peers, and not being accepted. This can create a situation where they cling to those they trust, are loved and accepted. However, you should talk to them, and see how things are going.
Is it unnatural to have a good bond with your child? No, this is a good thing if it isn't caused by something bad. Having a strong bond with a child is great but, as they get older they will tend to distance a bit, especially as they gain friends.